![]() Our critical inner voice describes a cruel, internal enemy we all have inside us that comments on our every move and criticizes us at every turn. In fact, it’s what we are telling ourselves about our circumstances that often makes us miserable. The second question to consider when we feel like we hate our lives is “are we listening to our “ critical inner voice?” As Maddi discovered in his research, it isn’t just our circumstances that determine our life satisfaction and success. If you feel like you hate your life, it’s beneficial to ask whose life are you really living? Are you reliving someone else’s idea of who you should be or what you should want? What truly has meaning to you?Īre you looking at your life through a negative filter? Differentiation means interrupting this cycle and truly living our own life. If we had a parent who believed they were unintelligent, we may feel this way toward ourselves. As adults, we tend to be drawn toward relationships and circumstances that recreate the emotional environment from our past. All of these actions are a reaction to our upbringing and don’t necessarily reflect our true unique identity and point of view.įor example, if we had a parent who couldn’t hold a job, perhaps we will find ourselves sabotaging our own success. They may start to imitate their parents’ less favorable traits, take on hurtful attitudes toward themselves or retaliate against these parental influences. As people grow up, they tend to incorporate these attitudes and engage in a process of self-parenting. Parents may have critical attitudes toward themselves that extend to their children. The point of differentiation isn’t to blame parents for all our problems but rather to help explain the elements that lay the foundation for the self-limiting or self-destructive behavior we engage in that leads to our unhappiness. “To the extent that we retain the critical attitudes and destructive elements we have incorporated into our own personalities, we remain undifferentiated from our parents throughout our lifetime.” “Differentiating from parental interjects and psychological defenses based on the emotional pain of childhood is a central developmental issue in every person’s life,” wrote Firestone. Robert Firestone wrote in his book The Self Under Siege, “Differentiation is a universal struggle that all human beings face if they wish to fully develop themselves as individuals.” Firestone outlines four essential steps to the process of differentiation that can help individuals live free of imagined limitations.Īccording to Firestone, in order for our real, authentic self to emerge, we have to identify and separate from destructive programming we received very early in our lives, primarily from our parents or other influential caretakers. To do this, we can engage in a process known as differentiation, which can help us to distinguish our real wants, goals and desires from undesirable outside influences. In order to have the life we say we want, we have to separate our real point of view from negative influences from our past, from people around us or from society at large. Instead, we are, often subconsciously, carrying out someone else’s idea of how we should live. One of the reasons we have the feeling of “I hate my life” is because we aren’t really following our own path. This process starts with asking ourselves a few questions, starting with: We can uncover what’s at the root of our unhappiness and create a life that has personal meaning to us, a life that reflects our unique goals and desires. We can implement tools that help shape how we see and experience the world around us. We can all learn to become more resilient. It’s a matter of how hardy or emotionally resilient we are. Salvatore Maddi of The Hardiness Institute has discovered that what predicts how well we will do in life, our relationships, careers, and so on is NOT how much money we have or even how many struggles we face. No matter what our circumstances, we can all learn tools to help us emerge from the darkest moments in our lives. Yet, in reality, we are not doomed, and we are not powerless. ![]() Escaping from this hopeless-seeming state may feel impossible. One in 10 Americans struggles with depression. The truth is, no matter how singled out or overwhelmed we feel, and no matter what area we are struggling in, we are not alone. Most of us have experienced that pivotal peak of pain, anger or frustration in which we want to scream “I hate my life.” Yet, the feeling that a dark cloud has specifically settled over us and our experiences can feel pretty isolating.
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